The Ten Commandments

And the Poker God spake unto Moses saying, "Thou shalt surely go up unto Mount Vegas and receive my commandements for my people at TNP". And Moses hearkened unto the voice of the Lord and sojourned into Mount Vegas and received from the Lord 10 commandments for his people at TNP.

When Moses returned, he found the people had fallen into sin. Men were lying with women, they hearkened unto music other than from Madonna and Cher, they no longer paid homage unto the Lord and were rebellious.

Thus Moses spake unto the people at TNP:

The Poker God has sent me to speak unto thee thusly, hearken now to the words of the Lord and obey his commandments.

The Tenth Commandment: Thou shalt not play poker when thou art sick. Therefore, Mark of Aramathina, thou art given 1 point and thou shalt see a doctor immediately for thy penance. Thou art also commanded by the lord to be kind unto thy bondservant.

The Ninth Commandment: Thou shalt not play poker when thy master has left the game. Therefore, Justin of Samaria, thou art given 2 points and shalt live with thy master until thy days are done for thy penance.

The Eighth Commandment: Thou shalt not have faith in thy full house. Therefore, Adam of Athens, thou art given 3 points and shalt date only beautiful losers for they penance.

The Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt not use thy bosom as a weapon, nor shalt thou let thy burger leave thy bun. Therefore, Crystal of Cyrene, thou shalt not lie with thy best friend Chad in peace, for he shall snore continuously and deny thee sleep, and thy dog shall cause thee trouble forever. Thus is your penance. Thou art given 4 points.

The Sixth Commandment: Thou shalt bring pecan pies to each TNP. Therefore, Jake of Jordan, since thou hast denied my servant Moses pecan pies for lo these many weeks, thou art awarded only 5 points and thy bounty shall be given unto him. Thus is your penance. However, my wrath against thee has been stayed for thy offering of 2 pecan pies last week.

The Fifth Commandment: Thou shalt not misread thy hand, nor shalt thou mis-call thy hand, nor shalt thou dig in the card stack to find they hand, thus sayeth the Lord. Therefore, Deb, Queen of Persia, thou art given 6 points and must live amongst the gays all the days of thy life for penance.

The Fourth Commandment: Thou shalt not hold thy tongue but shalt utter sounds unspeakable as Adam, Nick & Mark hast shown thee. Therefore, Chris of Chaldea, thou art awarded 7 points and must always and forever worry for thy kinsman Geoffrey as penance. I will stay my hand and not smite thee, however, for thy hand of quad 2s. Receive from your loving and gracious god a bonus point.

The Third Commandment: Thou shalt not act lewd or lascivious at mine alter, the green table, thus sayeth the Lord. Therefore, Markus of Gomorrah, for thy penance thou shalt cleave unto Jake of Jordan only in thine house and not my house, thus sayeth the Lord. Seeing that your heart is pure, however, I shall award thee 8 points.

The Second Commandment: Thou shalt not show the player to the right of thee nor to the left of thee thy hand, nor shalt thou fold a diamond flush, nor shalt thou shout aooga at mine alter sayeth the lord of poker. Therefore, Nicholas, Pharaoh of all of Egypt, for thy excellent play thou art awarded 10 points but denied victory. For thy penance, thou shalt be cursed with queen two hole cards, thus sayeth the Lord.

The First Commandment: Thou shalt not cut the locks from thy head, nor shalt thou lust after errolls, remember Thursday night and keep it holy, keep my shrine clean and free from as many heteros as possible, thus commandeth the lord of TNP. Therefore, my good and faithful servant Moses, I shall award thee 12 points for winning, 1 point for the bounty on Jake and 1 point for quad 4s. Receive unto thyself 14 points, and the favor of thy lord.

Thus are the ten commandments my people shall keep for Thursday Night Poker.

Then the lord spake unto me, "Say unto my servants Stevie of Sodom and Tanner of Thessalonica, thou art not excused from weekly attendance of my game, therefore thou art denied points and for thy penance must co-habitate together until I shall call thee home, thus sayeth the lord.

When the laws were read, two prophets appeared, one being Wesley of Patmos and the other Luke of Ephasus. And the lord spoke unto Luke and said thusly, "Luke, I am your father!" Then they were caught up and whisked into a canyon.

As he lay his head to sleep, Moses wrote thusly:

10. Mark 1
9. Justin 2
8. Adam 3
7. Crystal 4
6. Jake 5
5. Deb 6
4. Chris 8 (including 1 bonus point for quad 2s)
3. Markus 8
2. Nick 10
1. Jeff 14 (including 1 bounty and 1 for quad 4s)

Forget not the holy day of Thursday, for thou shalt play TNP in the house of Moses.


The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Your humble and feeble servant Moses committed a grievous error. I mistakenly awarded Chris' bonus point to Jake. Chris was quick to alert me to the error of my ways, I have repented and corrected the sacred spreadsheet. My apologies.